I assume when you come to the point, when everything goes the wrong way, when you actually think twice before starting the blame game, or simply screaming on children, or on the dog – it is a step in the right direction right?
Yet I still have to bite my tongue, but the thought is now faster than the reaction, so I tell myself that is part of the process, and sometime in the future the thought will be gone and I won’t even notice it left – wishful thinking but still. It gives me courage to try again and not give up hope.
So this is surrender – and it drives me insane how frustratingly slow it is. Or how slow I am apparently.
Half the time I feel paralyzed to do anything or overwhelmed just by getting through the daily commitments. In my case my body reacts to stress with a severe desire to sleep and migraine. That is probably the worse combination for anyone – what else would make you stop… – who has been hyper active most of her life and always had at least 10 things in the making at the same time.
Doing my home-work I have now also learned that as a person with a high sensitivity system (HSP) I apparently experience more stress than average, because simply I take in more impressions (and here I thought my whole life this was just a sign of growing up with an addictive person). Now I also know that an over stimulated body and mind, which exist with or under long periods of abnormal stress, eventually can’t take anymore, and to recover you need ca 10h sleep per day plus 2 short naps – or you end up dead – either by some accident you get yourself into – or simply doesn’t wake up one morning.
So the going forward is taking a complete different form than what I had ever thought. So I go by the hour. One at a time. One hour that always starts by asking for strength managing just one more. Keeping calm. Listening. Observing. Doing my little things, I planned before hand and be so present that whatever happens it will be ok.
Doing this – or going through it as some may choose to say – while having children is not entirely easy. The fact that someone depends on you and all you can come up with is “I have to sleep now” is not as encouraging as one would want it to be. On the good side I have now been told “I did that gratitude thing by myself today when I was out” [every evening before we go to sleep we say out loud together the things we been grateful for that day] and now I am very grateful also for this – she got it!
Upwards and onwards. We are on the way. 349 signals to go.