This is the first day and night I spend on my own since my mother passed away.
My girls picked up their stuff from the car and returned me the keys and then wandered off to spend a day and a half at a hotel with my ex, swimming in the pool and watching football.
All so that I “could work”.
First I kept busy studying, researching, writing emails – put this blog out there for the first time – trying to understand html coding…
…got myself so worked up I ended up writing a deep and long email about the mental mobilization required to launch an online campaign…to the technical support [do-not-reply-to-this-email] guy whose name is probably something I can’t pronounce, but I call him Henry.
By that time even my conscious brain was registering that this u-n-c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e.
I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow I have to get from A to B.
And I didn’t want to cry sitting alone at a café[people always look horrified when you do –like they would have to do something – when you are two they can somehow pretend it is not up to them and at least try to look sympathetic].
I have cried a lot by myself this last year. Both openly and alone. So now I know and normally I don’t care anymore. If I need to cry I cry. But today everything seemed u-n-c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e.
Since I suspected they were talking about me I eventually decided to leave. Smiling casually as if nothing ever happened.
And went to sit in the car.
I don’t like to drive, but I like to sit in the car. Close all doors, pull the seat back, take my shoes off and read or meditate – often I do a lot of hand writing.
When my mother was still alive and in the house I used to do my morning reading in A course of Miracles in the car. As if the distance between the house and the parking lot would have any relevance.
So I try to chill in the car. It works a little bit. I write something. Feeling a little it more in control.
Eventually I decide to drive home.
After being busy feeding and giving water to everybody and dotting around the house I sit down.
We don’t really talk me and the dogs. I mean not out loud. We do our thing, but the is no conversation.
And in the house there are no teenage slamming of doors, no music constantly on somewhere, no phone calls, no playing with puppies – just silence.
Far away traffic, some birds singing, some dog sighing, another one sneezing.
When I sit down, so do they. Nobody moves.
If I do move, they all attend me, rushing up to see if I possible would drop them anything.
I go out in the kitchen making myself a cup of soup and some bread.
Like a ball thrown too hard in your solar plexus the loneliness hits me. But now I can’t cry.
It is stuck somewhere in between.
I am supposed to be the grown up and I feel like calling them right up, telling them to come home right away.
But I don’t.
I take my work calls and pretend everything is just normal…
I miss them s-o-o-o much.
I go back to the laptop. Distract myself. Write all this.
Pretend there is someone on the other side. Just like me. All alone.
Signing out. 345 signals home.