I hesitate. I drag it out. I stare. I forget to breathe. I am genuinely over-whelmed.
I try to see the priority order, I make small lists trying to see some logical order, so I can stick to that. Trying to hold my own hand.
This is a mountain of resistance – and I have to get through it – and it will feel like hell and when I am through I will look back and wonder what the fuzz was about.
I know this. Yet it is so emotionally pressuring doing it.
And it is all in my head and not understandable for outsiders… taking the next step. Break the next layers of protection I built around myself to feel safe. Stand on my own.Do my own homework and know I done it now. That this time I believe it and I know it.
I drown a little to be able to stay a float a little. Deeper and higher for every time.
Asking for help is not easy either. Pride weighs heavy on me – both my independence as well as family and personal.
Someone said manage your money or it will manage you.
I would say manage yourself or someone else will manage you. And for some reason that sits deep in me – but I have to stay active, be alive and be decisive. Choose how I want to be supported rather than freaked out having to need something in a way I don’t like.
But I don’t run. I sit still. Even when feeling like throwing up and getting out.
So I have to trust my faith, my humbleness and whatever guidance I may be given, that it will lead me right even if it doesn’t make sense to me or I can’t see it for the time of being.
I am on my way.
305 signals to go.