Do your own homework

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled. Do you know what entitled means? It means…

This week I focused on my new work. Completely dived into it and it starts to make sense.

What in the beginning felt like a possible failure or impossible obstacles are now things I just have to figure out and work around – and I do.

Then someone came by and knocked the door just to tell me they finally resolved my internet. Woohoo! I can’t really express the feeling when we have been without internet for so long… It is almost like you forget how smooth it is and how extremely spoiled we are are having it in the first place.

So I use the opportunity to look at a feelgood movie with my kids – Bad Moms with Mila Kunis and Christina Applegate.

I am not sure this movie is the definition of bad moms, but it is very relate-able for anyone who has or have had kids – the-please-all-other-parents-syndrome at school – attend every committee, PTA, bake sale you name i t. In other words the mom-trap that sends you straight to parent-hell with bad self confidence, more insecurities and I-am-never-enough nightmares.

A lot of standard Hollywood bla bla comedy and then suddenly this super scene where the kids in  the kitchen one morning waiting for breakfast and wonder where she is, followed by the son freaking out that no one done his science homework and she turns to him and says;

You know what – I don’t want you to go out in the world and think that you are entitled.  Do you know what entitled means? It means that you will expect other people to do things for you, but they don’t; me to do your homework, your teacher to give you high grades, your boss to give you a pay raise for no reason, your wife to do everything for you, your kids to be a lot of things that you have chosen – in other words a HORRIBLE person! And then you are going to get divorced, have a bad relationship with your kids etc etc. NOBODY has to do anything for you – and the sooner you start working on actually knowing and doing things for yourself the better life will be and you will not have all those problems – making sense? So you do your own homework from now on – and off she walks.

As part of a co-dependency scenario entitlement pops up more often than not in both directions. One who thinks that with what ever addiction or problem – since we now agreed it is a problem – they now think they are entitled to help to solved or help to “handle”it. Then again one always being agreeable, taking out all fires and smoothing and fixing at some point concludes , that being this nice, polite, helpful and so on I now have a right to get something in return – whatever I want and preferably right now… and so it goes on.

So I know this dance and I wish someone had told me exactly the same at that age, but more in the lines of; Entitlement means that you are going to think that your mum, because she has said and done stupid things when she has been drunk, owes you something. Anything really. And from time to time she is going to agree, because of guilt, and at other times – she won’t or can’t. And you know what will happen then? You will prove to yourself you are right – you are going to tell the world to look how bad she is to you – when you in all reality was wrong from the very beginning! She and the rest of the world owes you NOTHING, so get off that little butt of yours and get going! No one will do your life for you!

But no one gave me that speech… so I also have to do it now instead, but I am very proud of my small steps forward and mini successes!

307 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Stuart Miles at



Knowing what to do

I look at myself and I am amazed over the difference purpose and a sense of control can have on a persons sanity?

I look at myself and I am amazed over the difference purpose and a sense of control can have on a persons sanity?

For me it is clearly very tightly linked. I open up my computer and I have 4 new assignments from one of the agencies I work for. Go to work! Get done!

And suddenly I am all calm again. Even take breaks to do things outdoors and yet get more done then when I am “free”all day. This to have a task to fulfill and a role to play every day seems very important to us.

I know the nature cultures operate like this – it is the groups responsibility to find the task each one of best suited for to do. Why did we drop this tradition? Imagine if we as a community attended every citizen like this…but no… we are all about the money or no that is not right either…we are all about the profit. What we can possibly gain for doing anything for anyone.

Doing things just because they are the-right-thing-to-do seems like some old line from a long forgotten movie by now. It is like I am an alien when I try. there must be something wrong with me unless i don’t try to take advantage of something or someone – OR – I must have a conspiracy plan so big they cant even picture it…. Lovely isn’t it.

Many times I have been torn about however intentions are a good or bad thing or just a lame excuse for not getting there. When I am in my peace I go for the further, because most of the time, even when someone supposedly “fail”me they did try. The times I met people who intentionally plan – plan is an important factor here – to hurt me is extremely rare.

Back to my daily shores now.

308 signals to go. Knowing what to do.

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On the floor

It is late evening.
Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.
I have nowhere to turn…

It is late evening.

Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.

I have nowhere to turn. No one to call or to talk too.

I try to talk to one of my kids. She explicitly tells me she doesn’t feel good if I am cracking up – so she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I sink down on the floor. The dogs think we are finally going to play… I close my eyes and ask myself all those stupid questions you should not ask yourself. Why this and that and why that person…

Go to bed my daughter says. So I do. No washing up or changing. Just falling on to the bed like some drunk.

I wake up with a dog in my face and yesterday’s clothes still on.

I walk out the door. Life is apparently still going on without any difference.

I start to water plants and let animals out. My mind is blank like the surface of a lake.

My tea is ready and I go back in again. I change my chair. I sit down and turn the machines on again.

It looks like my webhost has some problem – my webmail is completely blank – I don’t even bother now. They have recovered it before by themselves and right now – even if I did lose my entire inbox I wouldn’t really care.

That inbox is somehow related to the person having this issues, so probably something wrong with it anyway.

I just sit and look at my screen. I can’t really be that alone can I? The thought goes round and round.

Let us play with the thought I am not. Then there is something I can work on with others here isn’t it? I open the laptop fully now. Type in a few things…

Hmmm maybe maybe in all the chaos I found my purpose…all wrapped up into one…

To be continued.

309 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Paisan191 at


Divine Storms

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends….

Divine Storm – I loved the word the moment I read it [Mastin Kipp’s blog].

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends.

I believe everyone who has either been in one, come out of one or is heading for one – knows exactly what storm I am talking about.

The storm that either kills you or wakes you up.

Someone once told me that people that has been there in general are becoming better type of people. They no longer take things for granted, avoid judging and carries their humbleness on the sleeve. Bad things, and especially those that doesn’t related to you directly, are not bad.

The strength with which we have built the storm is just a fraction of the divine strength we have when we work with the universal system and not against it. Just imagine.

The older I gotten I have also come to consider that in the end of the day our emotional experience is really a far larger part of the picture and we take it too little into account. Both regarding ourselves, but primarily how we inter act with others.

In can stay in the eye of the storm – in the calm safe vacuum – and I can see my life swirling around me. Round round. Things upside down, apart, in the air, without direction, without connection.

I attempt to reach for something and instantly it is like a gravity that would pull me back in to it.

I sit back again. Look again. Choose again. Try again.

In this place I can take back a few things. Those that are really mine. The rest can wander off with the storm. It does no longer belong to me.

I don’t walk out of my prison. I let IT walk out on me.

It is not hard. It is not tiring. I can stand up and I am free.

Everything is fresh and light around me. Like the air after rain.

A reset to start again.

310 signals to go.

Days of silence

There are those moments that moves you to the core…

Sometimes days pass in silence. Maybe thoughts and emotions are being processed. Maybe life passes in a flow of nothingness.

Either way not much is being written. However, I have learned to listen to the writing voice now. In a similar way I don’t have to stress about how fast or how many pages I read my spiritual readings, nor do I have to worry the guidance to write won’t come back.

The past days I have geared up my work a little bit more. It is quite a bit until it is where I want it, but considering the darkness I found myself I am happy about the progress. Focus and energy comes easier by the day.

Less and less do I look around. I know roughly where I want things to go, so most things select themselves. And then there are those moments of confusion and waves of worry or scarcity – but they blow over faster and faster now. Like I can hold my own steering wheel more firmly now.

Then there are those moments that moves you to the core. They also cause deep silence.

Lately I found out that it is possibly that I didn’t had the picture regarding a certain family situation completely right. At the same time, I can fully understand why this person maybe didn’t tell me the whole truth. Why I was left to my own understanding and believes.

Things simply are too painful to talk about sometimes and maybe I wasn’t the best sounding board either at the time. I wrote a whole post about it, but decide not to publish it. Maybe the subject will come again another day. For now, it is better off deleted.

I rely on myself, but more importantly, I have started to slowly trust my own ability again. That is almost worth more than money in the bank.

I am getting there. 311 signals to go.

Image courtesy MrWildLife at


Time for surrendering

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when…

So here I am, a few weeks later, attending my first facilitated session.

Yep, to really get this, whatever it is out of my system, I figured I couldn’t do it alone. I simply couldn’t see myself for all my selves so to speak.

So this is what I do now every Sunday. Clearing my energy and do facilitated meditation combined with healing conversations.

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when meditating. Tears swimming over and very slowly rolling down my face. I don’t even try to catch or stop them.

To me meditation is like bubbles coming down from the sky to greet you. Slowly they surround you to eventually encapsulate you in their safe white light. They become so many suddenly it is like you are sitting in a whole sea of them – bubble bathing.

When I breathe through my heart it bleeds and colours the bubbles pink.

I sit.

Very still.

In the pain.

My intellectual side can’t entirely figure it out. I want it to be obvious and clear and something I can fix. But I can’t. It has been with me almost since my first memories as a very young child. This sorrow my mother hated so much. Or at least that was what I thought she did. Maybe she simply just didn’t know what to do with it…

So we sit.

The pain and I.

“Universal”, the facilitator says.

Still doesn’t clear anything. Like I am my own riddle I can’t crack.

“Trust that you are guided and it will come to you”.

I get that this is the pain that drives me. That I seek it to heal something. That I hide from it when I can’t handle it anymore. It is why I have the life I have. Why I made all those good or less good choices.

When I leave I am very grounded. Cleared. I parked a bit a way, so I would get a natural walk afterwards. The word unity echoes in my head. It was mentioned in a by passing sentence, but it has stayed with me. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be unity. It feels trivial and pathetic somehow.

Surrender women. Surrender.

I keep on walking.

When I come home I reflect that it looks like nobody lives here. Somebody sleeps here, but nothing else. I feel a bit bad about it, but encourage myself that I at least reflect over it. That must be a good sign right?

I feel like I am 12 years old and starting all over again. But I am starting.

Everything has a first step.

312 signals to go. On my way home.

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Pumping vein

On my way out I realize I am several meters ahead of her. In my head I am running away from there…

The vein is pumping over my right eye.

It is one of the post traumatic stress symptoms I still get sometimes.

If I leave it be it will take a hold of a forth of the scull and keep it in and iron grip – something along the lines of migraine.

But it doesn’t get that final grip today.

Today I am stopping half way and take care of myself.

I had to revisit something old and something traumatic. Something I tried to pretend was “really nothing”.

I have a few of those.

My daughter comes with me, so I am not alone. It feels better.

Just the building creates a reaction in me. Without even speaking or interacting with anyone.

On my way out I realize I am several meters ahead of her. In my head I am running away from there.

I stop and wait for her.

The world is safe and we can walk out in normal speed.

On our way home the pain in the eye starts. Like a mail in the post.

I do my normal shores and put on some tea. Put some sugar in it. Anything that I know will calm me a little. That feels familiar. Safe.

I go over my day in my head. Did everything go perfect? No. Did I miss anything? Yes a few things. Did I achieve the most important stuff? Yes I did. Did I do my best? Did I move anything forward at all? Yes I did – so it is OK.

Between me and myself maybe tomorrow I can improve just a little bit.

I am coming home. Slowly. 313 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Hyena reality at

The birdsong in my head

This morning I woke to a vague distant screaming.

Living on the countryside with animals including a minor gang of puppies-going-on-hooligans this can mean nothing but bad news aka someone is stuck, gotten lost somewhere or somehow hurt themselves…

It is a second to none wake-up and your whole body is on 100% alert!

What is going on? What is happening? Who is in pain? Where?

After another second of orientating myself I could conclude this was outdoors and not indoors.

It was on the back of the house and not the front where the puppies normally is.

Most dogs where indoors – read around my bed – so this was probably not a dog, or at least not any of mine.

Could be a rat maybe? Or kitten?

As I started to go over this list of possibilities in my head I tried to listen again and listen more carefully this time.

It didn’t sound bad now. Matter of fact it sound quite happy. Happy? Yes, like a little melody type. No panic noise.

Still lying down it occurs  to me that this is birdsong.

Yes, exactly – birdsong.

I laugh at myself (thank God I can still do that) – how fear driven am I when I am ready to jump out of bed in a nano second prepared for worse case scenario? Convinced someone is dying or is already dead?

There is this gentle little bird sitting in the fruit tree opposite my window. Singing his little song while the sun is just about over the mountains yet.

Just doing his thing.

And this is my thing?

Breathing deeply I try to tell myself that at least I am aware now. I can’t always stop it from happening, but when it does I am stopping myself and reflecting instead.

The world is safe. It supports me even?

I imagine a chair supporting me sitting up.

I imagine food.

I imagine a bird singing to wake me up to a new day.

All is well. 314 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Panuruangjan at


Hacking myself?

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems…


I am holding my breath and I can almost feel the tension putting its nail into my shoulders.

I remind myself to breath. Need to get back to work. Focus.

Between then and now 200 thoughts have passed and I have concluded how much I don’t know and a 1000 things I could do with the things I do know…

Information overwhelm and I am not just stuck in my head – it has also left me and vanished far into the future and seems out of reach for me right now…


I breathe again and open my eyes and collect myself. I can do this. I AM doing this.

Focus and there will be no room for worry.

One thing at a time.

This is good. I am on to something.

It is weird. My head has not left the body and there is no tingling anywhere. Rock solid presence.

I am on to something that I know. I didn’t know that I knew, but never the less. I know.

I know something very genuinely and deep and to the degree my body shows no sign of weakness.

It is my voice. My very own voice. No dialogue going forth and back. Just one plain voice.

Grounded, clear and firm (?).

I hacked myself.

I am stunned.

This is the voice people told me to take so good care of twenty years ago.

(Yeah, what else am I suppose to do? Drop it somewhere?)

I was so unaware and so naive.

(You are talking outside my body – why is it hurting so much?)

Calmer now. Want to give myself a hug. It is ok. Know better now.

315 signals to go. Definitely coming home.

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[FILM REVIEW 2016/1] I am not your guru

If you stay in your head you’re dead – get it out and…

This documentary carries the same high dynamite type of energy as Anthony Robbins himself. His energy is world known, but I think this slightly deeper capture of his enormous care and compassion is breath taking. To care that deeply, to engage that deeply and to dedicate a whole life to dig that deep is plain beautiful.

It is an excellent behind-the-scenes capturing of something that otherwise could come across very twisted for an outsider.  I think the fine way his team has captured particularly people’s faces is what tells the story more than the words themselves. The body languages of everybody involved speaks for itself and is deeper and stronger than any actor could put up.

The movie captures the extreme highs of American culture energy wise that I think can be off-putting for other cultures sometimes. That said I think the world is craving it. We all crave to express ourselves that big, that loud, that together, that authentic – simply living life expressing our feelings.

The title I Am Not Your Guru I think is Mr Robbins’ message to the world on a dot – don’t be me -be YOU and own it!

My questions:

Enjoyable? Yes, once you start watching you want to see the end.

Any take-away? For certain and more than I can write here, but to mention a few:

  • We are all love – that is how we have survived hard times – so no need to doubt or think we have run out of it.
  • People with self-destructive behavior hates themselves to far higher levels than we would ever come up to.
  • Blame flat out, but also give credit where is due – the “bad” people in our lives are our biggest sources why we are the people we are and have this urge to be something bigger and better.
  • If you stay in your head you’re dead – get it out and get moving – in all senses of the word!

And a gazillion other things 🙂

Artistic input? The film-making is next to flawless and these subjects are not easy to capture without it looking like a cliche circus – he has done the balance act to the point. Possibly developing the technical artistry would be Joe Berlinger’s next step – lift documentary as a form into new levels?

As for Mr Robbins he is a work of art on legs – so enough said 😉

Recommendable? Definitely – but you have to be open for the message to really stay with it and take it in.

Worth having at home? For the AR community and probably the whole self-help industry this will become a must-see film. For those checking it out I think it will be one of the most watched streams online.

Rating? 4.5 for a documentary in a very niched industry.

BONUS: If you like Anthony Robbins you can also see one of his best interviews (I think) here on MarieTV.

Image courtesy to Jason In Hollywood Blog