On my way out I realize I am several meters ahead of her. In my head I am running away from there…
The vein is pumping over my right eye.
It is one of the post traumatic stress symptoms I still get sometimes.
If I leave it be it will take a hold of a forth of the scull and keep it in and iron grip – something along the lines of migraine.
But it doesn’t get that final grip today.
Today I am stopping half way and take care of myself.
I had to revisit something old and something traumatic. Something I tried to pretend was “really nothing”.
I have a few of those.
My daughter comes with me, so I am not alone. It feels better.
Just the building creates a reaction in me. Without even speaking or interacting with anyone.
On my way out I realize I am several meters ahead of her. In my head I am running away from there.
I stop and wait for her.
The world is safe and we can walk out in normal speed.
On our way home the pain in the eye starts. Like a mail in the post.
I do my normal shores and put on some tea. Put some sugar in it. Anything that I know will calm me a little. That feels familiar. Safe.
I go over my day in my head. Did everything go perfect? No. Did I miss anything? Yes a few things. Did I achieve the most important stuff? Yes I did. Did I do my best? Did I move anything forward at all? Yes I did – so it is OK.
Between me and myself maybe tomorrow I can improve just a little bit.
I am coming home. Slowly. 313 signals to go.
There is point – when all bottoms are reached – when this compromising yourself to keep an appearance up starts to seem a bit ridiculous…
There is point – when all bottoms are reached – when this compromising yourself to keep an appearance up starts to seem a bit ridiculous. Yet I know I have written this before.
How important truth is and yet again get my own timing totally wrong.
Is it just my own expectation of myself? Expecting too much too fast short term and too little long term?
Handling other’s and my own fears my whole life I learned early on to improvise. To think ahead. To think fast. Take control and steer things back to safe shores again. I never had time to really learn something, so most things were done on a whim.
Wing it even when necessary. And it worked. But now I don’t want to do that anymore.
Not that it doesn’t work, but I don’t want the toxic hangovers associated with it.
I no longer want to do anything where I am either whipping myself into over-performance or over-responsibility nor do I want to go to bed feeling that I am never ever done with something.
So I am retraining myself. Holding myself accountable to things with a clear beginning and distinct ends.
Today I signed up for something I normally would have winged – just this time I decided I would really learn and really understand how to do it. Red flags all over, but I hanged in.
To be exact I hanged in for a whole 6 hours until I cracked it. I took it home. Redid it from scratch. Again and again. Then I did it a second time. A little bit more than an hour this time.
I didn’t earn anything. I didn’t achieve anything that shows anything to anyone.
Just to myself that is.
Today I earned my self-respect.
It felt really good and tomorrow I am going to try it some more.
317 signals to go. Coming home.