It is late evening.
Nothing is going according to plan. The adrenaline is flowing to the level I can almost hear it in my ears.
I have nowhere to turn. No one to call or to talk too.
I try to talk to one of my kids. She explicitly tells me she doesn’t feel good if I am cracking up – so she doesn’t want to talk to me.
I sink down on the floor. The dogs think we are finally going to play… I close my eyes and ask myself all those stupid questions you should not ask yourself. Why this and that and why that person…
Go to bed my daughter says. So I do. No washing up or changing. Just falling on to the bed like some drunk.
I wake up with a dog in my face and yesterday’s clothes still on.
I walk out the door. Life is apparently still going on without any difference.
I start to water plants and let animals out. My mind is blank like the surface of a lake.
My tea is ready and I go back in again. I change my chair. I sit down and turn the machines on again.
It looks like my webhost has some problem – my webmail is completely blank – I don’t even bother now. They have recovered it before by themselves and right now – even if I did lose my entire inbox I wouldn’t really care.
That inbox is somehow related to the person having this issues, so probably something wrong with it anyway.
I just sit and look at my screen. I can’t really be that alone can I? The thought goes round and round.
Let us play with the thought I am not. Then there is something I can work on with others here isn’t it? I open the laptop fully now. Type in a few things…
Hmmm maybe maybe in all the chaos I found my purpose…all wrapped up into one…
To be continued.
309 signals to go.