Divine Storms

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends….

Divine Storm – I loved the word the moment I read it [Mastin Kipp’s blog].

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends.

I believe everyone who has either been in one, come out of one or is heading for one – knows exactly what storm I am talking about.

The storm that either kills you or wakes you up.

Someone once told me that people that has been there in general are becoming better type of people. They no longer take things for granted, avoid judging and carries their humbleness on the sleeve. Bad things, and especially those that doesn’t related to you directly, are not bad.

The strength with which we have built the storm is just a fraction of the divine strength we have when we work with the universal system and not against it. Just imagine.

The older I gotten I have also come to consider that in the end of the day our emotional experience is really a far larger part of the picture and we take it too little into account. Both regarding ourselves, but primarily how we inter act with others.

In can stay in the eye of the storm – in the calm safe vacuum – and I can see my life swirling around me. Round round. Things upside down, apart, in the air, without direction, without connection.

I attempt to reach for something and instantly it is like a gravity that would pull me back in to it.

I sit back again. Look again. Choose again. Try again.

In this place I can take back a few things. Those that are really mine. The rest can wander off with the storm. It does no longer belong to me.

I don’t walk out of my prison. I let IT walk out on me.

It is not hard. It is not tiring. I can stand up and I am free.

Everything is fresh and light around me. Like the air after rain.

A reset to start again.

310 signals to go.

Washing it off

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Have you ever felt betrayed, back-stabbed, cheated on, excluded or even bullied?

Today I think I managed to get my fair share of each – all in one go. Had to just stop the car and sit still and let it just rush through the system and then somehow slowly ebb away a bit.

When I collected myself again and turned the car on again to get out in traffic I silently ask myself in what sort of denial have I been living in? Was so I so desperate for approval? Belonging? Achievements?

It is like I have told myself what to feel rather than feeling it. What was expected of me.

Now I feel it. Like an instant pain you instantly want to withdraw from I just it still.

It is uncomfortable. It is painful. It is relieving in a backwards way.

I take time to feel and I take time to observe to the best I can.

I have found that I am very uncomfortable with other people’s unexpected expectations. They have ideas and plans I am suppose to fit in to, which I either never realized or I never actively took part in from the beginning.

Then they have these big dramatic behaviours and most often I haven’t seen it coming and again and again I am deeply confused or surprised. It has taken a while, but at least now – when I happen to do it myself – I can silently ask for some type of undoing and ask myself what is really going on?

When I manage to hold on and stay in my Observer position I can see that maybe I attracted this person – or his or hers views on something – into my life when I was in a fundamentally different place. As with my intentions, maybe I need to give myself a break here and let certain people ache out to really ensure whatever has to be learned is learned?

Today I didn’t look away. Nor did I dwell. I looked. Looked again. And looked at myself. And back again. There was really betrayal. Real back stabbing. Real bullying. But I didn’t have to let it define me. Or let it put me on an emotional dependency spree. Just let it fall to the ground as I move forward.

Wash it off.

The evening I spend in the ocean waves looking up at the sky. Trust, trust, trust I tell myself as I let them carry my up and down with the streams. I breathe. I float. I am doing it.

A little bit drained, but I go to bed with a cleaned soul tonight.

335 signals to go. Slowly but surely.