Divine Storms

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends….

Divine Storm – I loved the word the moment I read it [Mastin Kipp’s blog].

All possible chaos, pain and hellish things. All thrown in the blender of life, getting mixed up, complex and saucy. No clarity, no beginnings and no ends.

I believe everyone who has either been in one, come out of one or is heading for one – knows exactly what storm I am talking about.

The storm that either kills you or wakes you up.

Someone once told me that people that has been there in general are becoming better type of people. They no longer take things for granted, avoid judging and carries their humbleness on the sleeve. Bad things, and especially those that doesn’t related to you directly, are not bad.

The strength with which we have built the storm is just a fraction of the divine strength we have when we work with the universal system and not against it. Just imagine.

The older I gotten I have also come to consider that in the end of the day our emotional experience is really a far larger part of the picture and we take it too little into account. Both regarding ourselves, but primarily how we inter act with others.

In can stay in the eye of the storm – in the calm safe vacuum – and I can see my life swirling around me. Round round. Things upside down, apart, in the air, without direction, without connection.

I attempt to reach for something and instantly it is like a gravity that would pull me back in to it.

I sit back again. Look again. Choose again. Try again.

In this place I can take back a few things. Those that are really mine. The rest can wander off with the storm. It does no longer belong to me.

I don’t walk out of my prison. I let IT walk out on me.

It is not hard. It is not tiring. I can stand up and I am free.

Everything is fresh and light around me. Like the air after rain.

A reset to start again.

310 signals to go.

OK and not OK

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything…

Today things have been both OK and not OK.

I am slowly , but surely, sorting out all papers related to my mother’s death. One thing per week is the speed we go by, but it feels ok. I can acknowledge that I am moving forward without being totally over-whelmed. So that is ok.

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything, which I used to do with an addicted parent and so on. My chaos and mental pain tolerance used to be way above any normal and sane person. That said this in-tolerance could be seen as a good sign – however my kids complain – and in particular 1 of them.

Even though I know I am doing the right thing it it is hard sometimes. I am an adult. This is my home. She is also an adult – at least on the paper – and this is suppose to be on equal terms and not any you-owe-it-to-me-I-can-do-what-I-want-terms…the temporary turmoil does bring me down from time to time.

I don’t mind failing or being vulnerable, but I want to feel that when I am at home I am safe and I can have peace of mind – and quiet. My sub concious has been so over-worked around my mother in so many years it is like I have to retrain my brain , that I don’t have to have all sensors on, all the time, all days of the week anymore.

Last year about this time I did some fearless training. That was how I started actually. Learning yoga and about my own fears and how to re-train. Best is to do it 3 times they say – so maybe it is time to do it again. That is my tomorrow.

Now we sit here – she and I – writing with our computers and sharing a chocolate. Peace at last. For the moment. Maybe it is not only me who needs to find a new way home.

329 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Graphic Mouse at FreeDigitalPhotos.net