Time for surrendering

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when…

So here I am, a few weeks later, attending my first facilitated session.

Yep, to really get this, whatever it is out of my system, I figured I couldn’t do it alone. I simply couldn’t see myself for all my selves so to speak.

So this is what I do now every Sunday. Clearing my energy and do facilitated meditation combined with healing conversations.

It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when meditating. Tears swimming over and very slowly rolling down my face. I don’t even try to catch or stop them.

To me meditation is like bubbles coming down from the sky to greet you. Slowly they surround you to eventually encapsulate you in their safe white light. They become so many suddenly it is like you are sitting in a whole sea of them – bubble bathing.

When I breathe through my heart it bleeds and colours the bubbles pink.

I sit.

Very still.

In the pain.

My intellectual side can’t entirely figure it out. I want it to be obvious and clear and something I can fix. But I can’t. It has been with me almost since my first memories as a very young child. This sorrow my mother hated so much. Or at least that was what I thought she did. Maybe she simply just didn’t know what to do with it…

So we sit.

The pain and I.

“Universal”, the facilitator says.

Still doesn’t clear anything. Like I am my own riddle I can’t crack.

“Trust that you are guided and it will come to you”.

I get that this is the pain that drives me. That I seek it to heal something. That I hide from it when I can’t handle it anymore. It is why I have the life I have. Why I made all those good or less good choices.

When I leave I am very grounded. Cleared. I parked a bit a way, so I would get a natural walk afterwards. The word unity echoes in my head. It was mentioned in a by passing sentence, but it has stayed with me. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be unity. It feels trivial and pathetic somehow.

Surrender women. Surrender.

I keep on walking.

When I come home I reflect that it looks like nobody lives here. Somebody sleeps here, but nothing else. I feel a bit bad about it, but encourage myself that I at least reflect over it. That must be a good sign right?

I feel like I am 12 years old and starting all over again. But I am starting.

Everything has a first step.

312 signals to go. On my way home.

Image courtesy to 9comeback at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Breathe, woman, breathe!

My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been…

Today is still a day in waiting.

Responses. Feedback. Agreements and activations.

It is like hearing the thunder on a distance and holding your breath while you wait for the sky to open up and the rain finally come.

It is painfully slow. Never have I been so aware how much I have always depended on my own doings and actions. I don’t trust anything or anyone really by the look of it. Now I have to let other people in. Let them be part of my life. Do their part and trust it is all for the overall good of everybody.

I catch myself not breathing at all or holding my breathe simply forgetting about it.

It is annoying how bad I am at just letting go and let it be.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

I get a glimpse of clarity and then I fall back in the slowness of things again. That is what it feels like anyway. My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been. To change her tempo for anyone else has never been her thing.

So let’s focus on the clarity. When I listen and follow my own inner flow scheduling is totally useless. I can’t schedule it at all and it is simply disturbing when I have to stop because of some outer expectation pressing.

I can see every step I need to take and how they add up to the path I am led to take. I am in creativity heaven…and then I need to ground myself again and again.

Earthly commitments and responsibilities.

I like grounding but I don’t like how we so easily attack each other to make things happen faster, better, or our way…we simply attempt to change other people’s paths too much.

Hmm. Need to digest that some more.

Now breathe. In and out and in again.

339 little signals to light. On my way.

Image courtesy of Christian Meyn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net