1500 days later there are still 298 signals to go to “come home”.
1500 silent days of not thinking so much and just put one foot in front of the other. Putting food on the table. Convincing kids to go to school even when it doesn’t feel like having a point. Getting a job. Create stability. Keep the job. Move to another town. Start over. Maintain the job. Surviving. Set new standards. Get a set back at work. Make progress at work. Leaving work. Starting something else.
On and-on-and round and round and here I am. Writing. Again.
Taking inventory and doing my own accountability.
Maybe it is a crossroad or maybe it is just time to go deeper… like a submarine…deep dive.
These days, with curfews and all, do we dare to look within instead? Do we dare to ask ourselves if we were part of this? Of its creation? It’s birth?
Yes, we were.
We create even when we don’t think we do. When we don’t know we do.
1500 days I had to numb off a bit. Shut down the inner voice to just stay on it. Reaching the breakthrough. Reaching solid ground under my feet. No more free-falling.
So, let us see what we can do now. When the tables are turned. When the page is whiter than before. What can we do? What will we do? Knowingly. Unknowingly.
The journey home continues. 298 signals to go.
Photo by Nick Hillier on Unsplash
There are those moments that moves you to the core…
Sometimes days pass in silence. Maybe thoughts and emotions are being processed. Maybe life passes in a flow of nothingness.
Either way not much is being written. However, I have learned to listen to the writing voice now. In a similar way I don’t have to stress about how fast or how many pages I read my spiritual readings, nor do I have to worry the guidance to write won’t come back.
The past days I have geared up my work a little bit more. It is quite a bit until it is where I want it, but considering the darkness I found myself I am happy about the progress. Focus and energy comes easier by the day.
Less and less do I look around. I know roughly where I want things to go, so most things select themselves. And then there are those moments of confusion and waves of worry or scarcity – but they blow over faster and faster now. Like I can hold my own steering wheel more firmly now.
Then there are those moments that moves you to the core. They also cause deep silence.
Lately I found out that it is possibly that I didn’t had the picture regarding a certain family situation completely right. At the same time, I can fully understand why this person maybe didn’t tell me the whole truth. Why I was left to my own understanding and believes.
Things simply are too painful to talk about sometimes and maybe I wasn’t the best sounding board either at the time. I wrote a whole post about it, but decide not to publish it. Maybe the subject will come again another day. For now, it is better off deleted.
I rely on myself, but more importantly, I have started to slowly trust my own ability again. That is almost worth more than money in the bank.
I am getting there. 311 signals to go.