There is point – when all bottoms are reached – when this compromising yourself to keep an appearance up starts to seem a bit ridiculous…
There is point – when all bottoms are reached – when this compromising yourself to keep an appearance up starts to seem a bit ridiculous. Yet I know I have written this before.
How important truth is and yet again get my own timing totally wrong.
Is it just my own expectation of myself? Expecting too much too fast short term and too little long term?
Handling other’s and my own fears my whole life I learned early on to improvise. To think ahead. To think fast. Take control and steer things back to safe shores again. I never had time to really learn something, so most things were done on a whim.
Wing it even when necessary. And it worked. But now I don’t want to do that anymore.
Not that it doesn’t work, but I don’t want the toxic hangovers associated with it.
I no longer want to do anything where I am either whipping myself into over-performance or over-responsibility nor do I want to go to bed feeling that I am never ever done with something.
So I am retraining myself. Holding myself accountable to things with a clear beginning and distinct ends.
Today I signed up for something I normally would have winged – just this time I decided I would really learn and really understand how to do it. Red flags all over, but I hanged in.
To be exact I hanged in for a whole 6 hours until I cracked it. I took it home. Redid it from scratch. Again and again. Then I did it a second time. A little bit more than an hour this time.
I didn’t earn anything. I didn’t achieve anything that shows anything to anyone.
Just to myself that is.
Today I earned my self-respect.
It felt really good and tomorrow I am going to try it some more.
317 signals to go. Coming home.
Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything…
Today things have been both OK and not OK.
I am slowly , but surely, sorting out all papers related to my mother’s death. One thing per week is the speed we go by, but it feels ok. I can acknowledge that I am moving forward without being totally over-whelmed. So that is ok.
Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything, which I used to do with an addicted parent and so on. My chaos and mental pain tolerance used to be way above any normal and sane person. That said this in-tolerance could be seen as a good sign – however my kids complain – and in particular 1 of them.
Even though I know I am doing the right thing it it is hard sometimes. I am an adult. This is my home. She is also an adult – at least on the paper – and this is suppose to be on equal terms and not any you-owe-it-to-me-I-can-do-what-I-want-terms…the temporary turmoil does bring me down from time to time.
I don’t mind failing or being vulnerable, but I want to feel that when I am at home I am safe and I can have peace of mind – and quiet. My sub concious has been so over-worked around my mother in so many years it is like I have to retrain my brain , that I don’t have to have all sensors on, all the time, all days of the week anymore.
Last year about this time I did some fearless training. That was how I started actually. Learning yoga and about my own fears and how to re-train. Best is to do it 3 times they say – so maybe it is time to do it again. That is my tomorrow.
Now we sit here – she and I – writing with our computers and sharing a chocolate. Peace at last. For the moment. Maybe it is not only me who needs to find a new way home.
329 signals to go.