OK and not OK

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything…

Today things have been both OK and not OK.

I am slowly , but surely, sorting out all papers related to my mother’s death. One thing per week is the speed we go by, but it feels ok. I can acknowledge that I am moving forward without being totally over-whelmed. So that is ok.

Not OK is that I have stopped to tolerate just about anything, which I used to do with an addicted parent and so on. My chaos and mental pain tolerance used to be way above any normal and sane person. That said this in-tolerance could be seen as a good sign – however my kids complain – and in particular 1 of them.

Even though I know I am doing the right thing it it is hard sometimes. I am an adult. This is my home. She is also an adult – at least on the paper – and this is suppose to be on equal terms and not any you-owe-it-to-me-I-can-do-what-I-want-terms…the temporary turmoil does bring me down from time to time.

I don’t mind failing or being vulnerable, but I want to feel that when I am at home I am safe and I can have peace of mind – and quiet. My sub concious has been so over-worked around my mother in so many years it is like I have to retrain my brain , that I don’t have to have all sensors on, all the time, all days of the week anymore.

Last year about this time I did some fearless training. That was how I started actually. Learning yoga and about my own fears and how to re-train. Best is to do it 3 times they say – so maybe it is time to do it again. That is my tomorrow.

Now we sit here – she and I – writing with our computers and sharing a chocolate. Peace at last. For the moment. Maybe it is not only me who needs to find a new way home.

329 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Graphic Mouse at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

LOOSING THE MIND

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.Maybe due to its tabu…

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.

Maybe due to its tabu or the general lack of knowledge.

Normally when somebody says they are loosing their mind they refer to a feeling of confusion, extreme stress, contradictive information, lack of social frame work etc.

What I talk about is when it is actually lost – as in G-O-N-E.

I read somewhere that nowadays memory related diseases that was previously referred to as aging symptoms, has actually been found are a way the brain and the memory is freeing up space. Same as if you dump memory to free up space on a hard drive.

People also talk about the personally change that can happen.

So this is my experience of this – in my own words:

  1. You don’t feel the same. It is not something tangible, just that 1% feeling of not taking things in 100% the same way like you normally do.

  2. You spontanious may react stronger to things than what you “normally” would. Be a bit harsher, shorter patience etc.

  3. You may wonder why you feel quite tired all the time or need an extra nap to keep up.

  4. It seems to peak out of the blue when normal things like recognising a person comes up blank, remember a location or how to get there even if you been there a million times before and so on.

  5. Things that used to be easy to learn new; text, speeches, new people’s name suddenly becomes an obstacle or something you have to put an effort to master. Reading can seem to be like looking at a blank paper etc.

So are you something or someone else? NO. You are still yourself and your emotional experience is still the same. In my case I lived extremely long under high stress – read more than 35 years – and then it peaked due to particular events such as separations, custody trial, several close deaths in the family etc under a relatively short period of 3 years – I simply started to blank out.

People around you may think this is when you are not agreeable – that IS NOT the case – no matter how convenient that would be. Logic thinking is still there – and usually what saves what could otherwise be uncomfortable moments – you try to quickly replace a situation to a previous occasion and back track it from there.

Something or someone just isn’t there at all – for a short period of time – and if you just take a moment it usually comes back or, like in the case of location, you have to trust your subconscious to do the driving, which it normally does most of the time anyway.

To me occasions like this I now use as a thermostat of my subconscious stress levels. To begin with – during the whole 35 years there are only a few times I would have referred to myself as stressed – I didn’t even really had a real meaning for the word before I had to define it.

It is the same as if I stumble in the stairs and hurt my ankle. I know I have to take it a bit easy a couple of days, sit still, keep the foot high, cool it etc. For the brain it is the same thing; feeling safe, eat well, sleep every time I feel I need to and as long as I spontaneously can, do things that empowers me and makes me feel good – this is not the days to take on big conflicts or solving the world’s problems.

Ok that’s me – for today.

334 signals to go. Still being sane.

Image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net