I think that was what Moses did? Wandering around I assume until he found his promised land.
I can’t help of wondering if he never had any doubts? No one was ever upset with him? Wondering what he was doing? How did he handle that?
And the women what were they doing? Or thinking?
The persistence and the size of faith, that all must have required… so what are my comparably small little problems compared to all that?
Can I find the same strength as his to lead myself out of the suffering? This self-made prison our generation seem to have created around us.
Can I re-fine that set point in myself when I would wake up and get out of bed just for the fun of the day ahead of me? Re-connect with that joy and creativity?
Finding inner sparkle without sugar, caffeine, tobacco or whatever?
This is for me my real question – to trust in myself – in my faith in myself.
Like a small small light far away I can at least see it. No bonfire. But something small that is bright and shines. I know now my path is leading that way. That I eventually will emerge in it.
I can start healing by accepting myself. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to control or protect or differentiate. Or maybe a little bit. The mother in me still wants to protect.
Maybe acceptance is protection? Having somebody’s back when they go out on the arena of life? Shielding anyone would be hindering them even going out there in the first place wouldn’t it?
OK, white flag to myself – both protection and tolerance includes some type separation between good and bad and puts myself in the middle being the ruler…undo.
Long day, but still here – 319 signals to go.
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