So here I am, a few weeks later, attending my first facilitated session.
Yep, to really get this, whatever it is out of my system, I figured I couldn’t do it alone. I simply couldn’t see myself for all my selves so to speak.
So this is what I do now every Sunday. Clearing my energy and do facilitated meditation combined with healing conversations.
It is releasing, comforting and grounding at the same time as it is deeply painful. I cry even when meditating. Tears swimming over and very slowly rolling down my face. I don’t even try to catch or stop them.
To me meditation is like bubbles coming down from the sky to greet you. Slowly they surround you to eventually encapsulate you in their safe white light. They become so many suddenly it is like you are sitting in a whole sea of them – bubble bathing.
When I breathe through my heart it bleeds and colours the bubbles pink.
In the pain.
My intellectual side can’t entirely figure it out. I want it to be obvious and clear and something I can fix. But I can’t. It has been with me almost since my first memories as a very young child. This sorrow my mother hated so much. Or at least that was what I thought she did. Maybe she simply just didn’t know what to do with it…
So we sit.
The pain and I.
“Universal”, the facilitator says.
Still doesn’t clear anything. Like I am my own riddle I can’t crack.
“Trust that you are guided and it will come to you”.
I get that this is the pain that drives me. That I seek it to heal something. That I hide from it when I can’t handle it anymore. It is why I have the life I have. Why I made all those good or less good choices.
When I leave I am very grounded. Cleared. I parked a bit a way, so I would get a natural walk afterwards. The word unity echoes in my head. It was mentioned in a by passing sentence, but it has stayed with me. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it to be unity. It feels trivial and pathetic somehow.
Surrender women. Surrender.
I keep on walking.
When I come home I reflect that it looks like nobody lives here. Somebody sleeps here, but nothing else. I feel a bit bad about it, but encourage myself that I at least reflect over it. That must be a good sign right?
I feel like I am 12 years old and starting all over again. But I am starting.
Everything has a first step.
312 signals to go. On my way home.