One foot

One foot in front of the other – Faith, Belief and Vision 

Little did I know, the day I started 362 lights home, that I would have an almost 4-year detour on the way forward. Maybe detour is a bit strong word, since it did fill a purpose and more importantly put food on my children’s table, gave us a possibility to find a new and improved home as well as putting my back on the working market. 

The faith however, hasn’t always been with me. Sometimes the view been so mudding and I so tired I didn’t remember the path I was on. Where I was heading. Looking back, I can conclude though, that my belief must have stayed steady. One foot in front of the other every single day. I am back on MY path again. 

We survived.  

We grew up. 

There have been days when I have asked myself – were we spoiled? Catered or something? Or why did it all become, so hard suddenly?  I have even believed it in periods. Telling myself what an idiot I must have been. My mother must have been. 

While the truth is, we were just not prepared. 

Prepared for any such curveball. 

Prepared for generating everything ourselves. 

Prepared for every single little consequence being on us. 

But we did it. 

Hard lessons and hard work. 

Not even taking it away would be easy – because now we know – and we are prepared. And we have a Vision. A next chapter.   

We know in our hearts of hearts, that if we belief and stick to it will happen. We will reach whatever we set out minds too. 

Dreams and wishes turned into goals and accomplishments. 

Things I even forgotten, but remember now looking back. 

School diplomas. Animals saved. New languages. Qualify for a credit card or loan. Being able to buy chocolate every day if we wanted to. New town. New friends. 

Looking forward to the next chapter – this is what they call faith isn’t it? 

297 signals to go. On my way home.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

90 seconds on reality

So I am stepping out slowly but surely to the reality. Back to school and back to work and all that.

Somewhere I read that we only hold emotions for 90 seconds… then they blow over.

So if we can only survive those 90 seconds – not responding with another terrorizing emotion or action – we will be grounded back to life again. Which of these lives now – that is…

So I am stepping out slowly but surely to the reality. Back to school and back to work and all that.

Somewhere I read that we only hold emotions for 90 seconds… then they blow over.

So if we can only survive those 90 seconds – not responding with another terrorizing emotion or action – we will be grounded back to life again. Which of these lives now – that is…

I found that I am either conditioned, or shaped, into believing that emotions are good – that is what life is about in fact. The bigger the better. There are 2 backsides to this reasoning however.

One being I only seem to be big on the negative stuff and can barely separate the difference or define the positive ones…

The second is society seem to prefer we are not emotional at all. It is disturbing apparently.

And then the given that once we finally get that we are more than just this body and just this life – then there is the children…and they didn’t ask for neither the way kids don’t.

Is functioning the same as being numbed off and in survival mode? Denying pains, grief and regrets?

Getting stuck in one owns pains or of others is simply overwhelming. To be eye to eye with real suffering is hard. Rape, war, money disasters, death…just to name a few that landed in my inbox this Monday morning. It feels  like one could throw up, call in sick and go and hide under a pillow – but that is not an option in my reality. I can dwell in the 90 seconds and that’s it.

Resourcefulness means something else here. One way or the other you have to move yourself forward. Plant the seeds. Nurture and nurture and nurture again and if everything goes well harvest at some point. Nurturing can also be hard. Children, animals, work, self, family…

So I hold that breath for 90 seconds. Sit in it all and when i let it go I am so out of breath I can’t take another one fast enough – and whatever moment has passed and I can re-focus.

Going home. 299 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Coward Lion at www.fredigitalphotos.net