LOOSING THE MIND

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.Maybe due to its tabu…

So this is a little bit difficult to talk about.

Maybe due to its tabu or the general lack of knowledge.

Normally when somebody says they are loosing their mind they refer to a feeling of confusion, extreme stress, contradictive information, lack of social frame work etc.

What I talk about is when it is actually lost – as in G-O-N-E.

I read somewhere that nowadays memory related diseases that was previously referred to as aging symptoms, has actually been found are a way the brain and the memory is freeing up space. Same as if you dump memory to free up space on a hard drive.

People also talk about the personally change that can happen.

So this is my experience of this – in my own words:

  1. You don’t feel the same. It is not something tangible, just that 1% feeling of not taking things in 100% the same way like you normally do.

  2. You spontanious may react stronger to things than what you “normally” would. Be a bit harsher, shorter patience etc.

  3. You may wonder why you feel quite tired all the time or need an extra nap to keep up.

  4. It seems to peak out of the blue when normal things like recognising a person comes up blank, remember a location or how to get there even if you been there a million times before and so on.

  5. Things that used to be easy to learn new; text, speeches, new people’s name suddenly becomes an obstacle or something you have to put an effort to master. Reading can seem to be like looking at a blank paper etc.

So are you something or someone else? NO. You are still yourself and your emotional experience is still the same. In my case I lived extremely long under high stress – read more than 35 years – and then it peaked due to particular events such as separations, custody trial, several close deaths in the family etc under a relatively short period of 3 years – I simply started to blank out.

People around you may think this is when you are not agreeable – that IS NOT the case – no matter how convenient that would be. Logic thinking is still there – and usually what saves what could otherwise be uncomfortable moments – you try to quickly replace a situation to a previous occasion and back track it from there.

Something or someone just isn’t there at all – for a short period of time – and if you just take a moment it usually comes back or, like in the case of location, you have to trust your subconscious to do the driving, which it normally does most of the time anyway.

To me occasions like this I now use as a thermostat of my subconscious stress levels. To begin with – during the whole 35 years there are only a few times I would have referred to myself as stressed – I didn’t even really had a real meaning for the word before I had to define it.

It is the same as if I stumble in the stairs and hurt my ankle. I know I have to take it a bit easy a couple of days, sit still, keep the foot high, cool it etc. For the brain it is the same thing; feeling safe, eat well, sleep every time I feel I need to and as long as I spontaneously can, do things that empowers me and makes me feel good – this is not the days to take on big conflicts or solving the world’s problems.

Ok that’s me – for today.

334 signals to go. Still being sane.

Image courtesy of Idea go at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Days of deep thinking

Are we this uncomfortable or untrained in talking about feelings?

At the moment my access to internet is not constant. What first may seem like a complete disaster has turned out to something quite good and actually helps me focus. I read, write, hang with the kids – and think.

On this discovery of understanding and finding of myself, as a complete being with feelings, it is some things that first confused me, that now is becoming clearer, but not entirely yet.
As much as I enjoy finding a “tribe” in fellow sensitive and seeking spirits I have also become painfully aware of a quite passive aggressive and undermining language used against me or “us” as a community.
If I express any other feelings than “I love this or that” or “you are amazing” I am referred to as a drama queen. And out of the many things you do could call me drama queen isn’t really it. [If something dramatic does happen I never soak, I never call anyone, I don’t intrigue – I am the type that rather back out, shut down and go very quiet…].
So to say I am sad or this is hard or I need help is actually quite difficult – so I am practising. Not in an accusing way, but more of a matter of fact – this is what I feel right now. With the kids is working quite well. We have an open conversation about it and have by now agreed not to accuse each other and if the other one just want to be alone or talk, to respect that. When I talk about it, so do they I have noticed. Everything is more open and we are getting to know each other more closely.
In the outside world it is quite the opposite. If you don’t answer fine to the 5-times-per-day-how-are-you you are weird or something slightly wrong with you. I always wondered why people ask in the first place when they are so not interested in the answer. [on that note I always also wondered how Italians know what you are talking about when the start to talk themselves before you finished…?].
Are we this uncomfortable or untrained in talking about feelings?
If someone tells me anything else but fine I usually feel relieved. It is like it gives me permission both to actually engage on a somewhat slightly deeper level with this person, as well as it allows me to express myself in a deeper way.
So I don’t get the drama queen stuff. Nor do I understand the empath down talk.
I am however going to try to find the golden middle way and come back to it in a later post.

342 signals to go.