Meltdowns and clarity

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

To not be the play along girl any more has a price.

As agreed I revisited the fearless work again and one of the questions were  – what are you afraid of would happen if you were true to yourself?

In two seconds I could conclude everything I had really worried about has or is happening right now – being judged, not belong, chaos financially being between 2 systems and handling 1 dead person’s, loose face, loose a relationship – don’t think I need to go on. You got the picture.

So technically I can just F*** it and do it any way.

For the first time in my life I told someone I felt bullied.

Despite the complete shock of the other person, who clearly just thought they could do what they were doing without thinking, it was a big step for myself – both being vulnerable – but also to actually call something with its correct word.

Where I grew up you could not raise your voice, object or in any other way misbehave. Thinking about it now I was askling myself how that rule was put into play since I never heard or saw anyone object. Was that also bullying? Some type of silent threats or simply ignoring you to the point you didn’t exist unless you changed your attitude? I mean where is the borderline where you no longer correct or lead something, but is actually breaking something down? The classical tactics to undermine women without saying it loud.

I know both my grandma and my mother had regrets about this, but still they never broke the pattern. When I started school at 7 I had already stress symptoms on both teeth and eyes. At 23 my hair went white from one day to another. I remember the doctor telling me to spend more time in the stables…being a rider herself that was the best she could come up with.

My mother clearly suffered from this. My grandma I don’t know. I was so outside myself by the time I lived with her I must have been like a drilled puppy. My mother raged and threw porcelain, while I ducked and cried in silence.

So today I had my meltdown and my clarity. I still hate meltdowns though. Even when the air is cleared and things are fine. It is like loving new rain, but be scared of the thunder – you can’t have one without the other.

Maybe that’s it – as rodeo rider’s count their falling offs, the sales person his nos until the yes – maybe I should count my meltdowns and celebrate them as representing that I am one step closer to my new reality?

Today I will sleep well.

328 signals to go home.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been…

Today is still a day in waiting.

Responses. Feedback. Agreements and activations.

It is like hearing the thunder on a distance and holding your breath while you wait for the sky to open up and the rain finally come.

It is painfully slow. Never have I been so aware how much I have always depended on my own doings and actions. I don’t trust anything or anyone really by the look of it. Now I have to let other people in. Let them be part of my life. Do their part and trust it is all for the overall good of everybody.

I catch myself not breathing at all or holding my breathe simply forgetting about it.

It is annoying how bad I am at just letting go and let it be.

Breathe, woman, breathe!

I get a glimpse of clarity and then I fall back in the slowness of things again. That is what it feels like anyway. My daughter looks at me seriously and says I am over working it. Again. She is very wise. Always has been. To change her tempo for anyone else has never been her thing.

So let’s focus on the clarity. When I listen and follow my own inner flow scheduling is totally useless. I can’t schedule it at all and it is simply disturbing when I have to stop because of some outer expectation pressing.

I can see every step I need to take and how they add up to the path I am led to take. I am in creativity heaven…and then I need to ground myself again and again.

Earthly commitments and responsibilities.

I like grounding but I don’t like how we so easily attack each other to make things happen faster, better, or our way…we simply attempt to change other people’s paths too much.

Hmm. Need to digest that some more.

Now breathe. In and out and in again.

339 little signals to light. On my way.

Image courtesy of Christian Meyn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net