The shadow of shame

…the feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather …

3 weeks since I last  went for my healing combined therapy.

It wasn’t suppose to be this long, but life came in between. Relatives visiting and those type of things. Even now I even overslept…2 whole hours…rescheduled and went 3 hours later.

It was good energy to work with this day she said.

To be on the safe side I arrived 15 min too early and had to sit outside and wait.

From being a very closed person I have cracked. The right word and it takes 5 minutes to have me sit there in all my…let’s be civilized and call it…pain.

This time we talk about shame. The shame of being rejected. Of experience abandonment. The shame of knowing your parent is wrong and you are powerless to do anything about it.

We talk about truth. Betrayal. Distrust. The inner child. The pure innocence we all once were.

As I am suppose to offer comfort to this little girl I feel helpless, unworthy somehow. Who am I to comfort and protect her.

I don’t know if it is her not wanting to be hugged, or me being too uncomfortable to reach out, we silently agree to just sit beside each other. A feeling of complete overwhelm flows over through me. Am I really equipped to take care of her?

I see her innocence and the strength in her purity. It is admirable actually.

We hold hands.

To my surprise it gives me peace and support. All that I wished to give her she is giving me.

I am the weak one.

That is all that is needed – that hand holding me – and that old wise soul looking up at me.

It holds no doubt, no uncertainty – no shame.

Only love, joy and with a shy smile… happiness.

I breathe. I drive home. I fall asleep at my desk.

I wake up early without an alarm. There is a strange peace.

I survived staying in that feeling since my early childhood. The feeling that has tormented me my whole life. Been the shadow behind every act and every decision.

The feeling that drove me almost to subconsciously rather kill myself…

I am saved by my own bell.

I am coming home.

301 signals to go.

Image courtesy to Evgeni Dinev at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Drowning in a water glass

Falling into a 2m deep hole covered by snow finding Ground Zero…

When I was very young and first started school it was mandatory to learn how to swim and dive.

I remember especially when we suppose to jump from the higher (3m) trampolin. My big worry was when I finally arrived in the water, that I would misunderstand what was up and down, and swim in the wrong direction and consequently die because I would never have enough time to get back up to the surface in time due to my little detour.

So I never dive from from any heights. Not then and not now.

Now I know that if I am confused down there I just blow out some air and it will show me where is up, however now I am concerned if I would hit something I can’t see from the surface on my down.

And die and never come up.

Another time I accidently fell into a 2m deep hole covered by snow, so once in it I had no idea what it was, how deep it was and where safety was. And I was fully winter dressed and it was around 40 cm of snow so no one could hear me mumbling around there.

Eventually I had to give up – I couldn’t stay afloat longer.

So I let myself sink.

And sink.

The layer of snow vanished over my head like icebergs.

Eternally and evergreen and I would just be forever gone.

But.

Then I hit the bottom.

And when I hit the bottom I realized I could jump myself up.

And when I could jump I could explore where there was something to hold on to.

And once I done that I could climb up.

And once up I could walk home.

I almost drowned – in a hole – made for a waterpump on the back side of someone’s summer house, which they left uncovered during the winter – in a water glass it felt like.

The sinking – regardless of if it is air, water or in our minds – is the scary part. Am I dying? what will that be like? Will it happen soon or w ill I experience pain first? How far away is it? Is this the beginning or the end?

Surviving at this stage isn’t always an option. Everything is surrendered and we sink.

Flying through the air. Sinking like stones in water. Lost in our minds.

And then the crash. Hitting rock bottom.

And we wake up. (Hopefully).

Our personal Ground Zero.

343 signals home. Pushing upwards.

Image courtesy of winnond at FreeDigitalPhotos.net